Eternals: A Movie Review

Eternals%3A+A+Movie+Review

Dawson Broten, Writer

I’ve had a few people ask me why I’m so negative in most of my reviews. Most people think I just hate every movie ever made, but in reality I love lots of, if not most, movies. The reason I’m as harsh as I am on so many movies, though, is to give some contrast between what’s bad, what’s just okay, and what’s great. If I said every movie was good, it wouldn’t mean as much when I said a movie was amazing. Because I have reviews where I say something along the lines of “this movie stinks,” I can give it the proper praise to good movies later and have it feel earned. 

I was hoping Marvel Studio’s Eternals (2021) starring Angelina Jolie, Kitt Harrington, Richard Madden, Gemma Chan, Salma Hayek, Don Lee, and Kumail Nanjiani was going to be that spectacular film for me. I thought it was going to be a fresh concept brought to us by a new director with great ideas which would totally change what it means to be a good installment in the MCU. Unfortunately, it’s anything but.

Before all of my other criticisms, I’m going to say this: Eternals is very boring. None of the characters have any semblance of an arch, and the plot feels like the writing equivalent of breaking even. The “villains” aren’t in the least bit threatening, and before long they start to feel like they should be scaring children in a Goosebumps book instead of fighting immortal heroes in a Marvel movie.

It’s also the only movie I’ve seen that spends almost all of it’s time telling you about how cool the heroes are, but never actually shows you anything to back it up. The action scenes are shallow and free of any kind of tension, and the dramatic scenes feel like you’re watching two attractive bricks of Styrofoam trying to act. 

This movie’s biggest problem, or at the very least the largest contributor to it’s absurd lack of anything interesting to present the viewer, is that it tries to do way too much at once. It’s an un-fun action film trying to be a deep and thought provoking character drama about a love story between two people who don’t even seem to like eachother. It has a gigantic cast of characters that it never develops beyond giving each of them one character trait a piece, and then it tries to get you to care when they arbitrarily change their motivation and call it a “twist”.

Eternals is my least favorite kind of movie, because it’s ONLY boring. Even a trash fire like No Time to Die has some value as a piece of entertainment beyond it’s shallow plot and badly written characters, but Eternals manages to simply exist. It’s not even a good way to kill time because it somehow manages to make it’s reasonable runtime of 2 and a half hours feel like almost double that. 

I will say, I really liked seeing Kit Harrington and Richard Madden fight over a character named Sersi again, but other than that I cannot recommend it in the slightest.

I give Eternals a 2/10.